I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
You Might Also Like
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Where is your GOD now????
Boom, boom, ching!
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Well, this is awkward
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family