do mermaids get waxed or descaled
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Twitter fine art
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I’ve had relationships like this
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Breaking news:
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
just left a huge legacy in there
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.