Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.