[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
they split up moments later
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Rambo Rambow
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*