I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT