“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not