waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Here’s a meme
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
scared to check what name she chose
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.