olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full