Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
You Might Also Like
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.