What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Peace was never an option
Solving a traffic jam
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face