“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
You Might Also Like
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one