Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Whisper out to librarians!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great