“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.