“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM