I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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men are simple creatures
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Ugh
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.