Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh