Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Storm Tropical Storm
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
hmmm
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”