Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company