It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
God has abandoned us.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
This is true.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”