In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.