If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Velcrow
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…