I can’t stop laughing at this
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wish me luck lads
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.