Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.