Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.