Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
blocked.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
That’s what I call a flat tire
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.