The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
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Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
This one’s “Alex”.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami