We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
why isn’t he texting back
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”