The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
no one ever comes back
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that