Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
no!! no!!!!!!
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Good morning.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.