When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
You Might Also Like
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
wtf is an acronym
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one