To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
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Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I want this so bad
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.