She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me irl
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle