Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
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If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Just grow your own
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”