If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My safe word is Worcestershire
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.