Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
mumsnet is amazing
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
That’s easy for you to say
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha