Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
#growingpains
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings