Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole