Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
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If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Weighing up my bread heating options
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.