My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
You Might Also Like
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
peep davidson
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….