when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy