Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Name another movie that mislead you?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
this is how life feels
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.