King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
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I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.