Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?