1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You Might Also Like
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in