I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
You Might Also Like
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them