Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”