british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms