SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways