Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”