SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*